Don't talk to the person like they are a child. Typically a hostile communication isn't coming from someone who wants to hear your take on a problem they are having.
Here are a few other gems I appreciated from Eddy's work: Attend to your character - which you're doing by defusing a hostile conversation before it ignites - and your reputation will take care of itself in due time. As the old, great teacher John Wooden sometimes said, your character is what you actually are while your reputation is what you appear to be. If I don't hear from you, I'll assume the issue is settled.” Even if your entire character has been assaulted in a message, focus on the inciting problem (e.g., a misspelling of a child's name in a recent newsletter) and its resolution rather than the defense of your character. The idea here is to have a clear indication of the matter's resolution, e.g., “I've got two slots this week where I can talk on the phone. Simple words like “take care” at the end, “Dear” at the start - or even a simple smiley face after a sentence - can make a meaningful difference by expressing warmth rather than coldness or hostility. Focusing on information is like starving a fire of kindling or oxygen. If the parent is angry about a grading practice, no need to enumerate your philosophy on grading. The more words, the more chances we create for communication to fail and the hostility cycle to deepen.
BIFF METHOD HOW TO
So, here's Eddy's advice regarding how to respond to hostile communications: While I do have some caveats with Eddy's BIFF: Quick Responses to High-Conflict People, Their Personal Attacks, Hostile Email and Social Media Meltdowns - see those at the end - I really appreciate this mnemonic about Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm communications. This is where I've recently found Bill Eddy's BIFF template quite helpful. I want to teach as best I can, perform as best I can, and all the while enjoy the process by loving the people with whom I'm privileged to work.īut all of that doesn't really say what to do when the hostile communication is sitting in front of me on a screen, emitting its siren call for self-defense or justification.
So when a hostile message does come in, my aim is repair - after all, winning battles like these is almost always a net loss. As I often say when talking about credibility, offending someone while working as an educator is a near mathematical certainty. With so many students, parents, colleagues, and bosses in our daily sphere, even the best of us are bound to find ourselves in conflict from time to time. We educators are especially bound to run into hostile communications from time to time.
You feel pain: misunderstood, afraid, attacked, inadequate. In their words, you read attacks on your character and personhood. Life in our communication-laden, emotionally unhealthy, morally disengaged times makes it almost inevitable: a person you know or work with sends a hostile text or email.
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